I feel as though lately I’ve been doing a shit ton of doubting and reevaluating. Every once in a while, I go into a state of nit-picking every single aspect of all of my friendships and wonder what the future holds. Every week there’s something that just doesn’t seem right, and even my closest of friends seem to be people that I’m drifting further, and further apart from.
I can literally sit and think for hours about how nothing at this point in my life is the way it used to be. When I was 18 years old, I swore I had a group of friends that would never go away. We were friends for life, and nothing was going to change that. Somehow, now that type of thinking seems so immature and naive, but at that point in life it was right. Nothing was going to change and I wouldn’t need to make new friends, because I’d already made my life-long friends.
I look back and notice how nearly everything has changed. People that I, at one point or another, would speak to every single day, are people I haven’t seen or heard from in months. People who I confided in, and trusted, are those whom I no longer speak to at all.
And as time goes on I can actually sit and point out which current friends of mine will more than likely not be around in a year or so. It saddens me to think that people who have played such substantial roles in my life will soon be friends who once were.
I wonder if the only person to blame is myself.
I feel as though in the past year and a half I have matured so much. But is that process of maturing to blame for my inability to keep a friend?…. And as dramatic as it sounds, will I have friends around in the end.
I have a performance tonight [Monday] at 7:30 pm, and even though I have spammed the shit out of facebook/twitter and tumblr, I have a feeling in my gut that the only support I’ll be receiving will be from my family. As grateful as I am for my family, I can’t help but feel a void in my heart knowing that none of my “friends” will be there.